Gone to the Beach

For the next few days- I'll be gone to the beach. Will you miss me? Y'all are gonna have to get a hobby. Like spelunking or knitting. I'll be back soon, so don't cry too hard. I promise to post lots of photos of me in my bikini when I return. Or not. In fact, I'm not even sure if I will wear a swim suit. I'm thinking I will wear jeans and a long sleeved button down. Wrapped in a beach towel. With sunglasses. And a hat. Stop.

Could you get my mail and mow my lawn while I'm gone?

P.S. Self tanner is NOT all it's cracked up to be. And NEVER watch the first episode of LOST 4 days before you fly.

Hi, I'm Shannon and My Husband's In A Band

Isn't that weird. My husband is in a band? (You can not open that link in Explorer-use another browser). His band is called Sheltershed and no I don't know what that means. It's not that I don't think he's cool. It's just - he's so unbandly like.

I mean do people who are in a band track monthly expenses with graphs and pie charts? Do people who are in bands have bedtime routines? Do people in who are in bands clean out the liter box as if their life depends on it. Do people who are in bands come home each evening and put on their "houseclothes" (including house shoes)? I just don't picture your band types doing these things.

To top it all off... it's electronic music. What? " What did you say? Is that some kind of new age genre?" How do you explain electronic music to someone who listens to Brooks and Dunn and Trisha Yearwood? Not that there's anything wrong with Brooks and Trisha. It's just so hard to explain. "Well what instrument does he play?" Um... a computer. "He plays a computer? Well that's just weird." Then, the conversation is over and we all go home.

Here's a song for you to enjoy. Hang with it past the front- local talent Vanessa sings Cloud City.

Driverse License Branch, Why You Be Hatin' on Me?

Today I went to our local license branch. It did not go well. I will spare you the details. I will say at one point it involved long toenails and those soccer shower shoes. Oh, and my son pointing. Oh, and cursing. But not by me. At least not out loud. At one point we left because the computers were down. Because I was bound and determined to get my license renewed, we went and hung out at McDonald's. To appease the natives.

Guess what, playland was closed. So, we had our tasty McDonald's and returned to the license branch. There "L" touched and rubbed every surface available. Tomorrow I'm sure we will break out with Hoof and Mouth Disease as well as pink eye.

Twenty something dollars and 3 hours later I walked out with a license. The thing that bothers me the most is not the hoof and mouth disease, or toe fungus on a 38 degree day. I wasn't so upset by the lady in front of me who seriously coughed so much she started gagging. The big bite of the whole day was my photo.

I have a long history of bad license photos. Two licenses ago my photo was so bad, friends would gasp. With this past experience I decided to prepare. So today I washed my hair, even though it was a "no hair wash" day. And, I wore my best shirt. You know, the one that looks like you didn't try that hard, but "dang she looks good". I posed in the mirror. Chin out, head down, tilted to the left, breath in, smile slightly. I was prepared. This was gonna be my year.

So, when I went to pose for the ever so friendly lady, I did all these things. I did. So why is it my picture looks like a 12 year old preteen boy who has had way too many Twinkies and refuses to participate in gym class because his knees hurt? Why people? Every single day until the year 2012 I will have to look at this photo. Those are four years I can never get back. Why? Why?

Happy Birthday Jan Sass!

photo removed to protect the innocent

Today is my friend Janice's birthday. Our friendship has weathered many storms. Like the time in '94 when we almost got in a fist fight at Broadripple. Yeah, you know what you did. Janice is like the tortes and I'm the hare. I dance circles around her while she slowly and methodically plans out her attack. She's great at keeping her mouth shut. While I'm blab, blab, blabbing along- she's quiet and careful. But she does have her weaknesses. Sometimes she holds it all in for so long, she just vomits it all out (and more). Like the time she said, "Yeah, you remember when none of us girls liked you?" I was all, "NO! I don't remember that!" Awkward. We worked through it, along with a million other hiccups. I've laughed with her, cried with her, gossiped with her, cleaned her house, and evan yelled at her. We are a lot like sisters.

Love you Jan. I hope when I'm your age I'm as wise as you. Happy Birthday. Sorry for the less than stellar photo. It's just... you moved away. I never see you anymore. It's all I had. Maybe if you come and visit SOMETIME THIS YEAR I can take a better one.

Looking forward to this...

Summer o Summer wherefore art thou Summer?

I miss my little cabin in the woods, my Wal-Mart bike (that everyone covets), my flip flops. I miss my camp fire. I miss my mosquitos. I miss my croquet. I miss my Hillbilly Golf. I miss my husbands ugly summer clothes. I miss the smell of sunscreen. Please come soon.

Love, Shannon

Dear Person Who Tried To Hijack Our Credit Card,

I am sorry to hear about your recent failed attempt at hijacking my credit card. I'm sure the $3000 in cold hard cash would of felt good in your hands. Too bad those tickets to "Women Of Faith" didn't pan out either. You could have probably used a weekend away. Today my husband worked 13 hours. He went 10 hours between lunch and supper. He did this so that at the end of the month, when our credit card bill comes, we can be sure and pay it off. He doesn't like to carry a balance. He's also the kind of guy that, had you simply asked, he would of tried to figure out a way to send you to that "Women of Faith" convention. I know life is hard. I've made choices I regret too. Even tonight, after doing a good job all day, I yelled at my young son. He was being difficult. But I'm the Mom. I'm all grown. I can't do that. I'd like to say that I'm not like you. But, really, what's the difference between us? Maybe not as much as I'd like to think.

Spring Count Down

I have only two days to renig on my promise of "My Most Embarassing Moment". There are barely any votes. I need atleast 20 votes before I pay up. You people gotta throw me a bone!

The Bunko Girls

I’d like to take this time to honor my peeps and give a shout out to my homies. The Bunko Girls. What did I just say? Was I talking gangsta?





I belong to a group of ladies who engage in a little monthly Bunko. Cast your judgmental looks aside, I’m having none of that. Think about the time you went to Wal-Mart on a Friday night. Now that was gambling! This is NOT gambling. It’s paying 3 bucks for a night well spent. And at the end of the night you may win a huge jackpot of $7.50 or so. Wikpedia says gambling is the act of playing for stakes in the hope of winning (including the payment of a price for a chance to win a prize). That’s totally NOT what we do. The $3 is the fee, the Fun is the prize. There’s a 100% chance you are going to have fun. So, where’s the gamble in that? Besides, in well over a year of playing, I have never taken home one red cent. I think the dice are rigged. In my former low self esteem days, I would have thought the girls were out to get me.



Next time I’m gonna stop at the gas and sip, buy Jody a Polar Pop and myself a couple Scratch Offs. Then, that will be gambling.

Thanks Ro Ro for the St. Patty's Day Shenanigans. Also Shannon 2.0 and Tra Nay Cy for... you know what you did.

Olivia Has A Visitor

Olivia's friend came to witness to her today. They talked about God and politics.

Indiana Barns

I'm looking for unique Indiana barns for a project I'm doing. Have you seen any? If so, please email me shannonofthewoods@yahoo.com

This Girl

Too precious. J- if you ever decide you are tired of all this adorableness at your house, I'll take her. I'll love her, and pet her and buy her every Goody accessory available at Wal-Mart.

Wierd Things That Happened At My House Tonight

1. The husband had to do the Heimlich on our dog (while clicker training- google it).
2. The 5 year old wore his new coat to bed- and we let him.
3. The 8 year old with no tonsils beat his Mom at Uno- 4 times.

Product Review-Mrs. Meyer's Clean Day Dish Soap

Raise your hand if you just looove doing dishes. That's what I thought. Nobody. Well, let me just recommend something that will change your attitude about dish time. Mrs. Meyer's Clean Day Dish Soap. Mrs. Meyer's actually has a whole line of cleaning products. I also have counter top spray in lemon verbena. Her thing is natural, gentle-cleaning products. Something like... essential oils, yada, yada, yada,... What it boils down to is some good smelling product- with lots o' suds. This particular dish soap is geranium scent. It takes me back to my days in the garden. I used to never do the dishes. Now I can't wait for everyone to finish eating so I can wash the dishes! I have only seen this stuff on-line and at Fresh Market. The 16 oz bottle was $4.99, which is a bit more than what you'd pay for Dawn. Isn't the experience worth the extra money though? Not to mention the packaging. Don't you just love the design of her label? Or is that just me? Go out and get yourself some and for 10% off tell them the good people at "My Winning Personality" sent ya.

Therapy Thursdays

Thank you for your overwhelming response to Therapy Thursdays. Remember this is a weekly gig. Email me at shannonofthewoods@yahoo.com with any questions you'd like to appear in our segment. Here's a question we received from a lady in Fort Wayne, Indiana...

Dear Therapy Thursday Therapist,

I need help.... Is my husband a keeper? We have been married for 12 years. My husband is a 35 year old who still plays every sport under the sun (basketball, golf, softball, croquet, ...) He currently plays on a flag football team with a bunch of twenty year olds and feels very flattered because he is still one of the best players on the team. This week he went to make a play and tore something in his leg. The most important thing is that he made the play. They had to carry him off the court and drive him home. He is confined to the lazy boy at this time. This injury is just one of many. He broke a rib playing softball, tore something in his shoulder playing dodge ball, sprained ankles playing basketball. So, my question for Thursday therapist is: "Should I stay or should I go now?" Not to mention the therapist and my husband have a concert on Sunday night and he is currently on crutches. 34 year old frustrated wife from Fort Wayne

Dear Frustrated Wife from Fort Wayne,
First, I must congratulate you on having enough courage to be the first “Ginny pig” to enter the non-clinical world of Therapy Thursdays. Second, if I may, I need to correct you. Your first words are “I need help”. Actually it sounds like your wanna be 20 something husband needs the help – literally – go and get him a diet coke with ice right now; that poor guy. It must be killing him to be confined to the lazy boy– I hope he has the Sports Center channel to keep him occupied as he recoups so he can go and have a good time this Sunday with this band.
Your next question is “Should I stay or should I go now?" If it is not obvious yet then let me tell you to “go”. Go right now and get him some hot wings and his favorite drink for tonight’s big game. Oh - and if you want him to recover quicker – call his 3 best buddies and invite them to come over to watch the game with him- remember laughter is the best medicine and when a guy gets with his 3 favorite buddies there will most likely be laughter. Remember to give them a bit of privacy tonight – it kind of makes guys feel weird when they come over to watch the game the wife sticks around for too long when they are trying to have a good time.

I hope this helps. And remember –

“Be the wife that you would want to come home to”.

Therapy Thursday Therapist
MSW, LCSW

Five Years With This Guy

Dear L,

I’m so glad you’re five. You are fun in all your fiveness. Like last week when Mamaw came from Kentucky. You took all the things Daddy and I have taught you and summed it up with two questions. "Mamaw, Do you have a “p” (male private part) and what did you bring me?" I guess these are important things to know as soon as company walks in the door. For a second I wondererd, "What must Mom think of our parenting skills?". Then I remembered catching my own mother sneaking behind the clothes line to smoke. To this day I can't look at a clothes line without tearing up.

This month you discovered art projects. Everyone is happy to hear this and has showered you with glue, scissors, tape, coloring books, paint, and best of all… velvet art. I love my velvet “Lions Pride” piece you made. Especially the pink furry cotton ball you added for just a hint of “whimsy”. You are so in love with your art supplies. Especially the tape dispenser. I still check on you every night while you sleep. You tend to get all uncovered and have not yet gained the skill of covering your own self back up. So, as I was rearranging your vast array of stolen pillows and blankets- (quit taking my pillow!)- I found your new tape dispenser.

Another strange habit you have is that you refuse to wear pajamas to bed. It’s only day clothes for you. I think it’s because you refuse to “commit” yourself to the laws of nature. You deny that you actually need sleep for survival. Its like you say, “Hey sleep, how you like these street clothes? Why do I need to get comfortable? I’m not doing anything- especially anything like… SLEEPING”.

We have kept your bedtime early, even though other kids your age go to bed later. Because this is the one and only time of day that you will play independently. L, everyone needs a little alone time. Right now you think you’ve pulled one over on Mom and Pop. You think you are so cool “getting away” with making sure you don’t sleep on command. But guess what little man… that’s part of our evil plan. We want you to play alone in your bed. Because then you go to sleep later which means… you sleep later in the morning. Which means I get to enjoy my iced Dr. Pepper in a little peace, if only for a moment. See… we are smart. Smarter than you and we are the boss of you.

Happy five baby boy… we love you.

Please.... tell me you would NEVER wear these shoes.

Don't let me ever catch any of you wearing these shoes. Cankles? Low arch? Dr.'s note? Bad knees? I don't care about your excuse. You should never wear these shoes, under any circumstance!

*What gives me the authority? These white tube socks I'm wearing with my black shoes. Oh, and I also call my dress pants, "slacks"- which totally makes me qualified to give fashion advice.

Daddy

Daddy Story # 1.

My Dad is shy. Very shy. Mom (and I think my sister and I do it too) over protects Daddy by answering for him and helping him to avoid situations where he might have to speak.

I remember one time we took our silver Monte Carlo through the drive thru at Dairy Queen. It was a faded silver that looked a lot more like primer than silver-with a loud muffler to match. Not cool for me in all my raging adolescence. Daddy was driving. Mom is never allowed to drive if Daddy is in the car. For one, she drives like a bat out of hell. Just kidding. I think it’s because she might actually drive over 35 mph. Daddy rarely drives over 35 mph. Once he got stopped by the police because he was driving so slowly. They said he looked suspicous. He said, "If driving slow is wrong, than I don't wanna be right". Or something like that. You don’t know how many times I’d get my bad self to high school (via bus #39) and somebody cooler than me would say- “man, we got stuck behind your Dad on the way to school today!”

Anyway, since Daddy was driving he had to do the ordering. Daddy, with his thick southern accent said, “We’ll take a Dilley Bar, Dipped Cone, and a Mister Misty”. At that moment he knew he had just put together the strangest set of words known to man. He paused, and then roared with laughter. With this, we knew it was ok, so we laughed too.

Next week: Daddy Story #2- radio preachers, cold water in my face, and twista beads. Don't miss it!

Up Next Week...

A weekly feature we intend to do here at “My Winning Personality”- Therapist Thursdays. Email your questions - family dilemmas, reoccurring dreams, unsettling thoughts. Kids got issues? Ask our resident therapist. He’s the real deal, MSW, LCSW. You’d pay big bucks for this on the streets. But here, it’s better than the black market- it’s free!

One reader recently wrote "Dear Therapist Thursdays, how do I get my wife to quit being on the computer while I'd like to read poetry with her, or drink warm drinks?" Reader, I'm sure he wouldn't know anything about that- but most other stuff he could help you on.

Oh… and this is purely for entertainment purposes only. So don’t go off your Prozac without seeing a real live person.

Thanks... I'll be here all weekend.

There are many things I love about my husband. He’s handsome, disciplined, got nice legs, oh and smart. He’s great at his job. He takes good care of us.

But… He does have a weakness…

With his “Good Sport Permission”, I give you my husband’s cover of the 80’s song “We Built This City” originally sung by Starship. I seem to be unable to link... newbie... anyway, copy and paste this in your browser, and then enjoy!
http://www.sheltershed.com/Starship.mp3

Coming March 21... In Celebration of the first day of Spring- My Most Embarrasing Moment

The Ring

I recently purchased this ring for my friend, Melinda. Aren’t her hands pretty? I don’t think the ring is “her thing”. She’s just so practical. I think she would have preferred the $3.99 I spent on the ring in cash so she could buy fabric softener or something more useful. Just like the time she was in the hospital. She had her lung removed- ok, only 20% of her lung. Anyway, I bought her a latch hook rug kit. Which I thought was a brilliant choice. I mean, what else are you gonna do while you get your lung taken out? Thankfully Melinda made a full recovery. She’s back to her youthful, beautiful self. The rug… I’m afraid it did not make it. It would have been so beautiful. I forgive you Melinda.